Full of surprises good and bad, hard times, family, friends, good, evil, joy, and sorrow.  It is just like a big roller coaster but sometimes not as exhilarating.  And you may even feel like me somedays, for me that day would be today as I sit in Starbucks Cafe trying to study but my mind cluttered with life. Just one of those days that It all just gets too much and you had a good cry last night and are now just kinda bitter at the whole world asking God where He is in all of this chaos.  

I think I had an epiphany, I suppress everything until it all punches me in the face like a big wake up call. I know what you are thinking, that sound really unhealthy…well, I a human so I am working on it.  I find myself in a place I never thought I would be, isn’t life funny like that? It seems one day everything is all peachy and then the next day its all a mess.  The family is in a rut, when will they ever get out of it?  School in a rut, when will I ever get out of it? You try to be a good person and remember all the good things you have but somedays it just doesn’t work, nothing really seems to and so you go on with life hoping this great fog will lift off of you and you can feel free again.

For me, that fog lifts off of me when I do the opposite of what I feel.  I find my feelings can be my greatest enemy and lately have been that.  The state I was in last night I would have loved to stay in the house all day and all week but I got out cause I knew despite what I felt I needed a change of scenery and be around people not be isolated.  Isolation sucks, by the way, don’t do it.  When I have a rush of negative emotions through my head I am learning to grab some of my favorite verses and speak to myself through out the day to combat that negative mindset that can be oh so destructive.

I find the difference between an ordinary person and an extraordinary person is grit, endurance, refusing to give up despite what we feel and what our circumstances are.  Allowing ourselves to be changed into better people in the really difficult times in life, learning from tough constructive criticism and cutting out people who don’t deserve you.  Depending more on God than people but always loving people and being gracious to them as He always is to us.  Intimacy with God every day through adoration and prayer.  So even though I know the truth in my heart doesn’t mean every day I can be all hunky dory, I am human and somedays I won’t be the greatest person to be around but don’t  ever give up hope, knowing God is faithful through the rut of life. 

Gods words over peoples

Was feeling really sad and little discouraged because Dad had made a comment about my exam and when I was taking it and so that lead to more memories of people making comments about my exam and making me doubt myself… Comments that were not encouraging but a little degrading so I opened my devotional and this is what it said and it means so much to me every time God meets me when I'm hurting and I think he doesn't care I don't deserve to be noticed by him but he cares and he loves me and this word means so much to me since my exam is only a few weeks away so no matter what people may think of me the word of my Father stands true above anyone's words.

Finding Happiness where you are

How does one become happy? Isn't that the ultimate goal in life to be happy? Not to be haunted by fears, anxieties, guilt, shame, loneliness, failures, mistakes and the list can go on and on...

I have made a decision that I want to be the happiest I can be each day and that decision is up to me everyday! Yes me! Not the people who may speak discouraging things to me or treat me contemptuously.  No it is not up to the circumstances and trials in my life.  I can not control others actions or life events but I can control what I allow to affect me.  I can control what goes on in my heart.

How do you be happy then, you ask. Well the main thing for me was being grateful.  I found my self so unhappy and even depressed at where I am in my life.  And I just went to an all time low.  A really bad low when you just feel this unbearable darkness and you feel as if you are never going to get out of it.  Something so dark that it can suck all the goodness out of every area of your life.  So I cried out to God on my knees, face down to the floor and just cried for a good twenty minutes.  And as always He met me there and comforted me with His love by His presence.  He showed me that I needed to be more grateful and at the time I said.... "I am God! Don't I thank you everyday for the house and food and health I have! I even write down a list of 7 things I am grateful for everyday!"

But that wasn't enough, He wanted me to go deeper.  To show gratitude in a deeper level in my heart.  Instead of shallowly thanking Him for the blessings in my life He wanted me to really think about it and find the goodness in each blessing He has given me. For example seeing my little cousin playing together, instead of having an attitude of "oh my gosh keep it down!" Instead to be grateful for them and their health, and how adorable they are and grateful I am God has put me in their life to be their older cousin to help with and love them in any way I can is a blessing! And I do love them so very much!

Or at Thanksgiving I could complain and say I didn't even get to sit down for a good 15 minutes I felt like I was running around serving everyone but I didn't get any rest! (Next year I am going to make sure this doesn't happen again, it is important to rest yourself!) But I was also so thankful for all the people in our lives, good people.  Thankful that my mom and dads side get along because when my parents were going through a divorce they wouldn't be caught dead in the same room! Thankful that God has healed and restored so much! Even though we still have a lot of things to deal with in our family, I am still grateful for all He has done in the past.

Even with my current academic status and all the failures I have endured.  It sucks and it makes you feel absolutely worthless and pathetic.  But choosing to see all God has brought me through to be where I am now, His grace towards me is greatly unfathomable.  Choosing to have faith and believe things will get better...."Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen!" and Faith is a powerful thing!

Also being selfless, sometimes depression can catch us when we are so self absorbed and looking so much at our hurts and pains and past.  Keeping your head in all that for too long can really mess you up! So try volunteering, serve others, make it less about you. This helped me put things in perspective, it is not all about me and there are other people in the world with problems! And often times much worse than mine. Helping others also is my happy place, every time I do it I regret not doing it more.  I believe it is a beautiful thing when people are more selfless and help others regardless of their political beliefs or religious views-- to love others is a beautiful thing for our hearts and others.

We live in a society that tells us to be more selfish, to get more and a lesser price at the expense of other people in 3rd world countries.  We live in a society that constantly compares itself to a false image that doesn't exists! Constantly millions of people do this everyday subconsciously.  And it brings the feeling of never measuring up, which further adds to this depressive, anxious state..how exhausting is this! I want to let you know that you are enough and you are beautiful just as you are! Not when you lose 10 more pounds or make 100,000 a year but right now YOU ARE ENOUGH.  Do not buy into the lie of society telling you differently, don't allow people to suck what they want from you and spit you out, you are worth so much more!

Psalm 139:13-16New Living Translation (NLT)

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

I have read the above verse myself and think how can this apply to every person on the plane does it not make it less personal?  God is not so small that He can't make every word in His book speak personally to you and affect you in such a powerful way that it changes your whole life.  Every word in His book has power to do so, to bring healing to your soul and change you into a new well balanced person in your mind heart and soul.  So know that you are valued and you are treasured and know you have a plan and a future and no one on this planet can take it away for you, except yourself.  You have the free will to do as you please, God loves you so much that He gives you that choice.

So as I became more grateful for the blessings I do have in my life I found myself to be more happy and content where I am.  Which is a beautiful feeling and I encourage you to do the same. Find the goodness in the blessings and refuse to give so much of your energy and power to the negativity in your life. Really go past our cliche thinking of being grateful but truly let it penetrate your heart when you ponder your blessings.  Be more selfless and compassionate towards others especially if they are different from you.  And stop comparing yourself and take a break from social media if needed. Still striving and pursuing your goals with an anything but mediocre mindset, do whatever God has called you to do with all your might!

Social Media Deception

I'm so sick of social media usage, at least the way I allow myself to perceive it

It's such a powerful tool used to educate people and connect people 

I'm sick of the way it's being used to make others think that life is just all peachy when it's not...people posting pics of themselves in expensive clothes or with their family like everything is fine when I know those people and I know how miserable they are! But if I didn't know any better I would probably covet them and wish I had what they had...but what they have is a facade and so many people forget this when scrolling through their feed allowing themselves to feel lesser about themselves and their lives!

 I want you to think of the most perfect person you can think of according to their social media accounts and I need you to remember when you compare yourself to them that they are HUMAN, that they live in the same broken messed up world you live in and that everyone has problems! 

A lot of people aren't real enough to show it cause they either want that attention to be envied or they don't want to burden others with their issues..I just wish there was more genuine posts on social media, I wish our generation could get past all the shallow crap that so easily entangles us into being envious about something that's simply doesn't exists! 

Just some thoughts....

Don't give up

The theme of the day for me is "Don't give up" and I hope this inspires you to not give up hope.  I woke up this morning (past few mornings too) upset at God, I still love Him but am upset with Him.  As I looked at my life where I am in my studies, where my family is and health situations I couldn't help but be angry.  I can't blame it all on Him, I had a lot to do with it...the choices I chose to make with the my free will.  Still He is God and if anyone can come in and save the day its God!  He is able to do it all right? Heal the blind, raise the dead, basically do the impossible.  So why is my breakthrough taking so long? I don't know, I don't have an answer but I wish I did but that's not how He operates.  

I really did not even have to say anything to Him, before I even really acknowledged I was discouraged He gave me words of encouragement this morning. 

• 2 Corinthians 4:7-12 is a chapter that has weighed heavy on my heart and is something I am working on meditating on and storing in my heart. 
• 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
• devotionals i am subscribed to, I will summarize them for you below
• Don't quit was the title,  understand that we hold the Spirit of the Almighty God in these fragile broken vessels, meaning we are imperfect and have flaws and are constantly fighting our flesh with His help. So give yourself grace as you make mistakes and learn in your walk with Him, even though others may not be as gracious its okay, they are human too.  If God is with you then who can be against you?  He has got your back and that is all that matters.  And remember to accept the fallen cause thats the whole point of the gospel is to be merciful to others and love others like Christ was to us.  And don't give up faith cause as you continue in your faith there are people you will meet who need you and your testimony to help them get their breakthrough. 
• Perseverance is key, even though you don't feel like going on remember that your emotions can be deceptive and you cannot always rely on them.  Trust God and His word cause He never fails.  In the trial He is building our character for the glorious future He has in store for us, refining us into pure gold in the fire. (Psalms 66:10)

In conclusion tell your emotions things will get better and remember we walk by faith and not by sight! God sees and He knows and He cares despite what we are going through so don't push Jesus away but instead confide in Him and run into His loving arms, He is waiting for you.  Let Him wipe every tear and heal the hurt as you spend time in His presence! (through worship and simply talking to Him about what you are going through).  I was talking to my mom the other day and she said she has all these issues and felt like God didn't care cause He was busy with more important issues in the world.  Are there more important issues than hers in the world?  Of course but that doesn't mean God doesn't care for each of His children deeply. Remember His word says that He is present when you call on Him with an sincere heart and He is not so limited that He cannot by completely present with each of His children in all their situations.  We are daughters and sons of the most high God by the blood of Jesus.  Remember nothing can separate us from His love for the price paid for you and I to rest and heal in His love came at the greatest price, so come to Him today.

1 Samuel 1:10 

Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord.

Psalms 66:16-20

Come and hear, all you who fear God;
    let me tell you what he has done for me.
17 I cried out to him with my mouth;
    his praise was on my tongue.
18 If I had cherished sin in my heart,
    the Lord would not have listened;
19 but God has surely listened
    and has heard my prayer.
20 Praise be to God,
    who has not rejected my prayer
    or withheld his love from me!

Words that help

God is faithful and He is able and when I am weak He is my strength and when I am sad He is my comforter and when I am hurt He is my healer —He knows, He sees and He is faithful no matter what I see/feel He is faithful. 

FAITHFUL

We walk by faith and not by sight!  Even though your world may seem like it tearing at the seams know that your God is at work! You don't see it and you don't feel it but guess what? We walk by faith knowing God will do all He says He would! He will restore your family and He will provide a blessed future, just trust Him and trust His timing! God is good and God is FAITHFUL!